A MODest review of Moscow’s newest pizzeria

Thursday marked MOD Pizza’s grand opening, and it was a sight to behold. From my Papa Murphy’s parking lot stakeout down the street, I observed a few shocking revelations within the initial hours.

First and foremost was the drive-through. Not only was I shocked to discover a pizza chain drive-through in the first place, but the lengthy line had my jaw hit the floor. It was never ending, a conga line of pizza consumers spending far too much gas and willpower awaiting their orders.

Shortly after my arrival in Moscow three years ago, I remember coming to terms with the fact that Subway had a drive-through. That revelation was disheartening enough, but MOD has taken this one step further. When does it stop? Will JAMMS be the next victim of a drive- through?

They could have visited me at Papa Murphy’s instead and been in and out within minutes.

The second earth-shattering revelation came during a moment of profound clarity. From my Papa Murphy’s perch, MOD Pizza wasn’t the only pizzeria within my Apple-certified “one-minute walking distance.” In my immediate vicinity was also Pizza Perfection, another Moscow classic.

This got me thinking — how much is too much? Let’s recap some of Moscow’s other offerings.

Pizza Perfection. Papa Johns. Dominos. Pizza Hut. Papa Murphy’s. Maialina Pizzeria Napoletana.

One of these may not be like the others (looking at you, Dominos), but these offerings seem moderately excessive for a city of Moscow’s size.

After some more investigating, it was time to try the MOD experience firsthand. I waved goodbye to Papa Murphy’s and drove over to the busy locale, ready to relish in my own personal pizza.

And relish I did. MOD has plenty of specialty pizzas one can choose, but of course I decided to build my own. I couldn’t even begin to recount the various toppings and ingredients I used, and after a certain point I started to feel bad for the employees.

All I remember are brief but quickly fading memories of spicy sausage, garlic and tomatoes I confused for peppers. I also had no choice but to sample the cheesy garlic bread and some of their house made drinks.

It was a great pizza — and a cheap pizza too, relative
to its size. The customized flavors hit all the right notes, and the crust was nothing to scoff at. But is a great pizza enough?

In a day and age where I can have a beautiful, garlic-filled Dominos crust
or a Maialina’s sampling of words I don’t understand — toasted pine nuts, fennel pollen, prosciutto di parma, gorgonzola dolce and something suspiciously labeled as evoo —, I’m hard pressed to imagine how MOD fills in the blanks.

If I really want a pizza, there’s still nothing stopping me from ordering takeout. Any of the other locations will likely be less crowded for quite some time.

There’s something truly special about MOD’s customizability, and it may appeal to many looking to scratch that Subway topping selection itch. I would even recommend everyone try it at least once for the experience alone.

But for me, at the end of the day it’s just a circular dough topped with marinara, cheese and maybe a few other meats and veggies if I’m feeling adventurous.

I can’t help but feel adding a seventh option to Moscow’s already-growing pizza list wasn’t the most advantageous or long-term solution. Prove me wrong, MOD.

Max Rothenberg can be reached at [email protected]