Panda Express isn’t your typical fast food. It’s dependable, it’s (situationally) nutritious and most importantly, its wide variety can appeal to a wide range of hungry college students. As a Panda Express connoisseur — and in celebration of the Chinese New Year — I’ve taken it upon myself to top last week’s Air Bud rankings and deliver the ultimate Panda power rankings — side dishes excluded. Let’s get started.
99. “Super Greens”
Even with only 14 entrees on the menu, a rank of 99 still feels too generous. What happened to the good ol’ days, the days when broccoli, zucchini and carrots helped me feel like I was making a slightly better nutritional choice? Those days are long gone, and in its place is something that doesn’t taste so super. Kale? Sure, maybe this doesn’t quite count as an entree, but a statement has to be made.
Max Rothenberg | Argonaut
14. Mushroom Chicken
Rounding out the real list is, well, a dish that tastes like its name would suggest. I typically get a mouthful of mushy mushrooms, which to some may be perfectly fine. However, it doesn’t quite work for me.
13. Five Flavor Shrimp
I’ll say it loud and clear — I think this needed a sixth flavor and a renaming. Don’t get me wrong, these are quality ingredients like the name suggests. The dish’s downfall very well may be its appeal to healthiness.
12. String Bean Chicken
Everything here is serviceable. The beans are well strung, and the chicken is nice and moist. What the dish seems to lack is an identity, and also smaller chunks of onions. Please.
11. Broccoli Beef
Panda Express delivers a delicious take on a classic, but falls victim to inconsistent broccoli texture and sauce. It’s a shame, because this has the potential to appeal even to those who hate the foreign green specimen.
10. Black Pepper Chicken
Surprisingly, the pepper is not what drags this dish down. It’s the head scratching addition of celery that tragically drops this entree’s ranking. Once again, all of the components have incredible potential, but the return of hulk-like onion chunks and a celery crunch raises more questions than answers.
9. Kung Pao Chicken
This chicken is indeed spicy. The chili peppers provide a great kick, but it’s hard to thoroughly enjoy the intense flavor when I’m stuck picking out intimidating foreign food objects. I’m also not a big fan of peanuts, so take this one with a grain of salt.
8. Sweet and Sour Chicken
It’s sweet. It’s sour. It’s sweet and sour chicken, and it doesn’t disappoint. It took a while for this dish to grow on me, but I have come to respect the flavor it brings to the table. Not only is the chicken cooked to perfection, but the included vegetables add a perfect texture.
7. Honey Walnut Shrimp
I have a love/hate relationship with this shrimp. There is immense potential at stake, but once again, inconsistency hurts this dish’s long-term placing. Sometimes the honey sauce is just breathtaking. Yet other times, especially when combined with the tempura batter, the combo just falls short. You never quite know what to expect with this one, but it’s worth the risk.
6. Beijing Beef
This beef is like nothing else on the menu. The peppers and onions form a melody that sings in your mouth, or at least that’s what it sounds like when I’m eating. There’s a hint of spice for those daring to look for adventure.
5. Honey Sesame Chicken
A bit of an oddity, this entree cannot always be found. That’s a shame. Contrary to the previous green been dish, the stringy vegetable works well in tandem with the sauce and bell peppers. If a Panda Express near you has this dish, don’t hesitate to try it.
4. Grilled Teriyaki Chicken
Wow. Some might say the sauce has a bit too much sugar, but you have to understand this is out of necessity. Not only is the chicken grilled with love only a mother could provide her children, but the employees even slice it up tableside. What’s not to love?
3. Orange Chicken
This is the Panda Express classic. I understand it is practically treason to have this at No. 3, but there’s good reasoning. This comprehensive list was formed from a self-proclaimed “food critic” who has eaten at Panda many times over many years. Some could say I lived there. Orange chicken has appeared on my plate at least 38 percent of those times. As more intricate and new entrees are released, we sometimes lose sight of our first love. Looking ahead, it’s possible orange chicken will rise from the ashes and reclaim its spot on the throne.
2. SweetFire Chicken
Sweet chili speaks to me in a way few other things can. Panda’s take on this classic nails it every time, with a mix of pineapple, peppers and a sweet and spicy sauce. To make matters even better, every restaurant always seems to have this dish in massive quantities. They know their audience, and more importantly, they know their flavors.
1. Shanghai Angus Steak
Each bite is a journey. Potatoes? Asparagus? This dish takes us back to the days of “The Goonies,” where a band of misfits team up for an unforgettable adventure — more or less. Bursting with personality and flavor, this is one dish you simply can’t miss. … unless juicy steak doesn’t sound appetizing.
Max Rothenberg can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter @theRothenberg