White lies are completely acceptable, tolerated and expected in society. But, maybe, they aren’t as harmless as they seem. Even the act of telling a white lie can be a self-deceptive act.
David Livingstone Smith, Ph.D., professor of philosophy at the University of New England and author of a book titled, “Why We Lie,” said people often deceive themselves when they say they are lying to protect the feelings of others. Smith suggests people primarily lie because they want another person to love them — trying to protect themselves from the disappointment, anger or abandonment.
“There’s something antisocial about being too honest. Part of becoming socialized is learning how to lie in expected and acceptable ways,” Smith said.
Honesty is a respectable trait, yet it’s a social faux pas. Often, people would rather hear edited, sugar-coated words, than raw honest truth. The truth isn’t always pleasant.
Through white lies and partial truths, the social status quo can be maintained and no one will get offended or put in an awkward situation. But lies, no matter how small, are a sketchy foundation for a good relationship. Although the truth can be unpleasant, it is the ethos of all healthy relationships — specifically when it’s combined with love — through truth, love has a chance to grow.
White lies seem harmless and trivial, but they can cause external conflict and internal unsettlement. White lies, exaggerating, withholding information, justified lies and all forms of stretching, hiding, ignoring or avoiding the truth are the same — they are dishonest.
When someone continually allows themselves to be dishonest, their brain adapts to it and becomes desensitized, allowing dishonesty to steadily increase, according to a study by Neil Garrett, Stephanie C. Lazzaro and Tali Sharot from University College London.
Lies hurt more than the truth — even little lies. The truth may sting for a moment, but lies inflict lasting pain causing distrust to arise. Truth allows trust to be established and reinforced.
Instead of diluting, fabricating and withholding key details of the truth, maybe it’s best to not speak at all. Honesty has a reputation of correlating with negativity, but being honest doesn’t mean someone has to share every thought that enters their mind — some things are better left unsaid.
Being honest means knowing how to apologize, and taking complete responsibility, along with acknowledging and accepting mistakes and shortcomings. Honesty strips away all excuses and clothes a person in vulnerability and genuineness. Being honest requires being OK with a little awkwardness sometimes. Thankfully, awkwardness is always short-lived, and the more awkwardness is confronted, the less uncomfortable it becomes.
Critiquing someone can seem harsh when it is done so honestly, but there is an art to the gracefully honest critique, and it always will be more beneficial to the one receiving the critique
The cultivation of honesty allows sincerity to emerge. People welcome others who are sincere in their life — it is admirable, and appreciated.
Jonothan D. Fitzgerald from The Atlantic said there is a trend in culture that is moving away from being driven by the ironic, and turning to the sincere.
“All across the pop culture spectrum, the emphasis on sincerity and authenticity that has arisen has made it un-ironically cool to care about spirituality, family, neighbors, the environment, and the country,” Fitzgerald said.
It only takes one person to start a culture of honesty and sincerity in their sphere of influence.
Andrew Brand can be reached at [email protected]