I consider myself very open-minded to topics, so long as they aren’t offensive.
My life has changed for the better since I’ve learned how to take things more personally. I want to change lives. People’s perspectives change the more I argue with them.
I get offended when you don’t make eye contact with me or you stare at me too long. It feels as though I’m not important to you, or too important.
My arguments are never hypocritical because they are always right. If you see a contradiction there, that’s only because you’re the contradiction.
I want to preach my offensive gospel. Once everyone learns how to be offended, then the world can be a better place.
Politically correct
The most important thing is to censor people, so they know not to use certain words. It’s important they aren’t making false labels, so call them something that ends with an “-ist.” Labeling helps them self-reflect more — just make sure they’re not labeling you.
Animal and baby videos
If you’re watching a cute animal or infant video, make sure every parameter is safe, and comment how unsafe it is, because no one else saw how unsafe it was. This way it won’t happen again.
Don’t agree to disagree
No. They have to agree. This is the No. 1 offensive rule violation. It’s sad because they have no purpose in life and I’m the only who can make it better by changing their mind. If I change their mind, then I’m giving them purpose.
Religion
When someone says they believe in something, make sure to have a staring contest until they stop believing in it. Then argue about their belief with sources they don’t believe in.
Injustice
If your friend throws away food, tell them about all the starving children in Africa. If they say they’re vegan, mention how vegans are all alike and want to convert you to veganism.
Politics
If you see an outrageous news report, comment with a statistics report that proves you’re right, but remain mysterious and don’t leave any source. If you have to leave a source, make sure it’s a biased source. If a politician acts in a childish way, point out how eerily similar they are to an evil historical dictator. This will help people change their minds because they never saw that revelation in the first place.
History
When you state how evil a person is don’t use figures like Mao Zedong or Stalin. No one knows who they are.
These proverbs have changed my life and opened me to new ideas. I’m just more authentic now than I ever was when I was compliant. I’m so laid back. People feel like they can be themselves around me.
What’s this all about? I don’t know. I just know I need to keep dividing people in order to bring unity.
Catherine Keenan can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter @Ckeeneye