College is a great time to meet people. Going to college on the Palouse means that students have two colleges of new people to meet. It also makes dating apps like Tinder, Bumble and OKCupid more entertaining because of the sheer amount of people in the area.
I use all three of these apps and have found that it’s not the apps themselves that need reworking — it’s their users.
Before I get into it, let me say — I am fully aware that online dating is dicey. It’s incredibly easy to start chatting and give away too much information to the wrong person. There is quite a bit of risk entering these apps. I like to think I’m a very cautious, informed user because I like feeling safe. If I feel weird, or someone makes me feel weird, I un-match or block them. It may seem harsh, but I’m not sacrificing my safety for a dude’s ego.
Tess Fox | Argonaut
That’s why I was intrigued when one of my friends told me about Bumble. It is hailed as the “feminist tinder.” Both genders swipe left or right, but once two people match, the woman has to send the first message. Matches expire in 24 hours. And if the man doesn’t write back in 24 hours, the match expires.
To me, Bumble seemed a little safer than Tinder, especially in the case that I accidentally swipe right when I meant to swipe left.
Anyone who has used Tinder or Bumble knows that fingers can slip or mis-swipe. It happens. Usually, if I match with someone I didn’t intend, I just un-match them or let it expire.
But then I got a message request on Facebook.
The message read, “I know this is super random and I hope I’m not coming off as super creepy but we connected and expired on Bumble and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to reach out to you because I think you’re stunning.”
Let’s get this straight — this is harassment. Granted, it’s more low-key than some forms of online harassment, but it is what it is.
Harassment is defined as behavior that disturbs or upsets. I was very disturbed to find this complete stranger messaging me on Facebook. It’s very upsetting to wonder, if this dude can find me on Facebook and message me, what else could he find?
I blame Facebook a little bit for this message getting through. Once any user turns 18, the social networking website lets anyone message anyone. In theory, everyone over 18 is an adult and knows how to behave in a respectful and adult manner, but as demonstrated by this random boy from Bumble, that is not the case. I wish that Facebook allowed adults to keep stricter privacy settings. The only people that message me on Facebook are my friends, so why should anyone in the world be able to message me? Seems sketchy.
Then there is the matter of the compliment. Adding something nice at the end can’t undo the fact that this user pursued me off Bumble, into Facebook land and into creep-ville. It doesn’t matter if I’m the most beautiful woman on the face of the Earth in his eyes — I wasn’t interested in him.
And the fact that men still aren’t respecting women for saying no is proof that gender equality still doesn’t exist.
The worst part is that this is a pretty normal occurrence for women on the internet. I’m actually pretty surprised that it took two years of on-and-off dating app use for this to happen.
A study from Norton, a digital security firm, found that 76 percent of women under 30 had experienced online harassment.
By joining Tinder, Bumble and whatever app I choose, I am consenting to conversation on those platforms. If I want to move to texting, Snapchat or Facebook messenger, that’s a separate conversation. I have every right, as do men, to un-match people who give me the creeps or I don’t click with.
Being attractive or being on a dating website doesn’t give anyone a green light to approach anyone outside the realm of the dating website unless given consent. It’s simple: no means no, even online.
Tess Fox can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter @tesstakesphotos