That night, we were drunk. At least I was drunk. We drank up all the alcohol bottles he could find in his hotel room the night before his suicide.
He called me around 10 p.m. on the last day of March.
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His room in central Hong Kong was on the 24th floor. When I pressed down the wall bell, the room”s double doors opened immediately. His peaked chin was full of short and newborn mustache. He threw me a pale smile.
I was a little surprised. I had not seen his smile for a couple of days. He was diagnosed with depression few years ago. He kept seeing a psychologist these years, and he was cooperative. However, his emotional condition was a cunning and intractable one, which might use up all his patience.
I stepped slowly into the capacious and neat sea-view living room. Through the white French windows, Shenzhen Bay displayed its beauty with the decorations of the dark sea and the bright artificial lights from the city. The sea reflected the neon lights which looked like many colorful ribbons on the water.
“Champagne or beer?” he asked as he leaned on the back of the black leather couch.
“Whatever,” I replied.
He brought a bottle of Krug Grande Cuvee. It was a birthday gift from his boyfriend. This champagne blended more than 120 different wines. He called it the “taste of love” because love is something so complicated that no one can coin a specific name for it.
“I remembered you said you will drink your “taste of love” with him.” I took a glass of Krug from his hand.
“We broke up,” he said and sipped a little Krug with closed eyes.
“Again?” I raised my eyebrows.
He opened his eyes and stared at the bubbles in the glass.
“Do you want some ice?”
I shook my head silently. He carried a metal ice bucket from the kitchen and placed it on the black wooden coffee table.
“Have you watched the “Inner Senses”?”
“Inner Senses” is his last movie which released in March 2002. It is a typical Hong Kong ghost movie, and he was the main actor. After his suicide, the media guessed that his depression may have relation to this film, but it”s not true. Some people claimed that if the protagonist jumped from the top floor at the end of the movie, he would not kill himself in the real life. Perhaps they were correct. I don”t know. What I know is, this is not a joke. Perhaps, he did not want to upset the people who loved him very much, so he made his suicide as an April Fool”s Day joke.
He added several ice cubes into his glass with a metal ice clip and sat on a black leather piano chair in front of a black Yamaha Eterna beside the French windows.
“Yeah, sure.” I stood behind him.
“What do you think about it?” He sipped the ice champagne.
“I like it.” I sipped my champagne as well.
“The ending?”
He started to play his song, “I am what I am.”
“It”s very positive. Redemption. The ghost”s forgiveness means a lot to you.” I did not distinguish him from his characters. This was what he preferred.
“Do you think I should jump?” He stopped the movements of his fingers on the black and white keyboard.
“Well, you know I like tragedy. Tragedies are more effective, shocking and profound as a genre. The western philosophies derived from the tragedies.”
We often discussed art when we were together, but this is a conversation that I wish I never had. However, it seemed that my answer satisfied him, so he went back to his piano.
“I Am What I Am” was one of my favorite songs from him. But he did not sing it. On the contrary, I sang the song for his performance.
We continued drinking. Mostly I sang and he played the piano. Mostly, I enjoyed the night view, and he went to the kitchen to find more wines. Mostly, I drank and he played the piano quietly.
I slept sometime after the dawn. I did not know how much time passed until I was woken up by a policeman, who informed me of his death a few seconds later. He jumped from the hotel room, 24th floor, in front of me, as I slept on the cold tiles. At that moment, I could not remember anything except staring at the rain outside the French windows, which he had opened moments ago. There, he stood and left his last smile.
Jinrong Lei can be reached at [email protected]