Downtown Moscow was attacked on Friday by an army of Decepticons, who were disguised as planes, police cars and construction vehicles.
Bradley Burgess
Rawr
The leader of the alien army, Megatron, used the One Ring of Sauron to decimate the streets, exclaiming that he was searching for the map to the fabled Treasure Planet.
The Decepticons did millions of dollars worth of damages to local businesses. The Moscow Police Department was called to the scene, but the majority of the force was killed by a mysterious, leather clad man, who said, “I”ll be back” before driving a car through the station.
This disaster is the greatest to hit Moscow since the alien invasion of July 4th, 1996. J. Jonah Jameson, editor of The Daily Bugle, observed the attack from his office window. “The money this is going to run me up is insane,” Jameson said while smoking his cigar obnoxiously. “I”d have sent my photographer Parker to deal with this, but he”s too busy catching shots of that spider freak.”
During the attack, Decepticon forces transmitted a signal that at first sounded like, “Sloof Lirpa.” Harvard professor Robert Langdon is flying into town to offer his interpretation of the message.
Among the damages to the Palouse, the vehicle of Bruce Wayne, who was in town for a conference, was destroyed. The Lamborghini Murcielago was estimated at $400,000. Mr. Wayne could not be reached for comment.
Wayne”s chauffeur, Alfred Pennyworth, witnessed the attack. After telling a long, complicated story about mercenaries in Burma, Pennyworth gave this quote: “Some men just want to watch the world burn.”
Oddly, the local radio broadcasts of the attack were ignored by Moscow citizens, who believed that the entire broadcast was just Orson Welles trying to freak people out again.
Bradley Burgess can be reached at [email protected]