As a child, my father worked in road construction and we moved twice each year to follow his jobs. I always seemed to be the new girl earning her way into the playground games.
I”d been at a new school about a month at the start of my fourth grade year and was feeling pretty good about my social status among my new classmates. Then one day after school, a popular boy tripped me.
As I lay sprawled in the hallway with a bleeding knee my class circled around chanting insulting names and mocking me. Nobody came to my aid. Suffused with shame and sobbing my eyes out, I fled school in the direction of home.
I returned to school the next day a different girl. I kept to myself and didn”t play at recess. The echo of that hallway chanting was a drumbeat in my head. I told myself I was ugly and clumsy and unwanted.
A few days later, Cindy Butler, a well-liked and pretty blonde in my class, set her lunch tray down on the table next to mine. She complimented a ring I was wearing and asked if I wanted to swing at recess. I didn”t fully trust her motives, but I accepted her invitation.
Jamie Derrick
Over the next few weeks, we became fast friends who giggled about boys and asked a Ouija board if we”d be rich.
We all carry fragments from the impacts of human kindness and cruelty in our lives. We harden up a bit after moments when we are teased or betrayed or misunderstood. We soften and relax after moments of kindness and generosity and understanding.
Mindfulness meditation highlights the importance of kindness.To develop the peace, gentleness and stillness of meditation, a kindly awareness is required.
Self-kindness is a key component. Mindfulness emphasizes cultivating an attitude of “non-reactivity” and “non-judgment” as we notice our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors that arise during meditation. That is, we cultivate the willingness to see clearly and with friendliness with whatever resides in our experience.
But won”t that just make us soft and lazy? How can we be friendly with everything and still improve? As we soften knee-jerk evaluations and negative self-talk, we relax a bit, soften and can greet ourselves with patient amusement. We can even offer some self-compassion.
Kristin Neff, a researcher at the University of Texas in Austin suggests that we talk to ourselves like we”d talk to a good friend. With a better understanding, we make better choices.
Being kinder to ourselves also shows up in how kindly we treat others. As our judgments soften inside, we find ourselves more understanding with others, too. We can allow for their humanity and mistakes without judging or belittling. We offer help.
These small gestures matter. They can transform a moment and shine through someone”s whole day. In the case of my old friend Cindy Butler, her kindness transformed my entire fourth grade year.
Jamie Derrick can be reached at [email protected]