Heydon Hensley was met with silence when he asked a group of University of Idaho students about when they had last written a letter.
“Do birthday cards count?” asked one woman, to laughter.
Three members of Latin fraternity Lambda Theta Phi and another half dozen students met Hensley, a survivor advocate with Alternatives to Violence on the Palouse, Wednesday evening in the Idaho Commons for the first-time event “Dear Somebody …” where the students discussed what to do and what not to do when writing letters to survivors.
Luis Aleman, president of the UI chapter of Latin fraternity Lambda Theta Phi, said the idea to write letters to survivors of domestic abuse and violence came to him spontaneously.
“The physical handwriting shows someone took the time to think about what”s going on,” Aleman said. “We needed to tell these victims we support them.”
Hensley said this was the first time he had seen community members reach out to survivors in this way.
“This is a new one for us,” Hensley said. “I think (the fraternity) did a great job doing research and laying the groundwork “¦ it”s pretty exciting.”
Before putting pen to paper, Hensley asked the students why they thought women stayed in abusive relationships.
“”Maybe they”ll change,”” one student said, referencing abusive partners. “”Maybe I can help them.””
“Coming from an abusive home,” another said. “Maybe you stayed because your mom stayed.”
Hensley called this the normalization of trauma, and it”s something he sees often. On average, he said it takes survivors five to seven times to leave and come back before they escape their abusers for good.
Sometimes, he said, victims stay because it”s safer than leaving, as 70 percent of all domestic violence homicides happen after the victim leaves the abuser.
“I”ve always told myself that if that ever happened to me, I would leave immediately or call the cops,” said UI student Yosele Leon, who attended the event. “But until you”re in that situation, you don”t know how you”ll react.”
With that in mind, Hensley asked the students to consider what they shouldn”t do when writing letters to survivors. The answers were written on sticky notes and stuck to a “Don”t” poster on the wall.
Alex Brizee | Argonaut
Lambda Theta Phi member Alex Ortiz writes a letter to a survivor of domestic abuse during the “Dear Somebody …” event Wednesday in the Idaho Commons. The event was hosted by Lambda Theta Phi.
“Don”t tell them how to fix it,” someone said as they read aloud a sticky note.
Hensley then asked the students to consider what they should do, because he said those were more important to remember.
“Do tell them they”re strong for seeking help,” someone said as they read aloud a sticky note.
Hensley added that celebrating every victory is one of the most valuable things for survivors of domestic abuse to do.
“Any act of defiance against their abuser – anything they do for themselves that they like – is a great success,” he said.
When writing the letters, Hensley advised the students to do one thing above all else.
“Just write your truth,” he said.
With all the “do”s” and “don”t”s” on the wall, paper, pens and envelopes were passed out and the students fell silent to write anonymous letters to anonymous survivors.
Hensley said he plans to read these letters at support groups and post them on Facebook so they can benefit more than a single individual. He said ATVP typically has approximately 350 unique clients who escaped abusive relationships in a single year.
Aleman said the evening was more self-reflective than he expected, and he learned things he hadn”t thought of before.
“It”s a real thing,” Aleman said. “This goes on in our community. It”s here. We are always learning how to treat people in this situation, and not everything is in black and white.”
Hannah Shirley can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter @itshannah7