Last week, the World Health Organization (WHO) announced that processed meats as well as some unprocessed red meats are carcinogenic. That”s right, anyone who eats bacon, hot dogs, ham, sausage or anything besides poultry and fish will definitely probably die of cancer … eventually.
Let”s just add that to the long list of everything else in our lives that is going to give us cancer, like cigarettes, microwaves, genetics, the sun, moon, LCD TVs, smartphones and asbestos. The WHO even listed processed meat in the same category as cigarettes and asbestos based on how likely they are to cause cancer.
Obviously, processed meat is the most important cancer-causing substance to focus on this year. Radiation from the sun and moon is penetrating our atmosphere and is giving people cancer, but the WHO has launched a campaign against bacon.
Claire Whitley
What is going to be substituted for the most important meal of the day? Eggs and oatmeal?
No one knows what a suitable replacement would be. What happens to chicken before it produces eggs and those eggs make it to our table? The oats aren”t meat, so they can”t possibly hurt us. Or could they? The world may never know.
Since unprocessed red meat is “probably carcinogenic,” humans might have to stop eating beef. Cows will live forever in some strange cow utopia. Then the ozone layer will disappear, and we”ll all be burned alive because methane levels will skyrocket.
People who plan to survive on water and air are also going to be disappointed. For those who didn”t know, 100 percent of people who ingest dihydrogen monoxide die – most likely after living for about 75-80 happy years.
Did you know water also causes cancer? I mean, everyone who gets cancer drank water at least once. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but death is inevitable, people. Everybody dies.
The easy solution to all of this is to just stop doing anything. Don”t eat, don”t breathe and definitely don”t go outside because the sun causes skin cancer. Basically, everyone must figure out a way to survive without needing anything that is necessary to live.
Stay inside and don”t live life to its fullest, because no one is willing to die young.
Surviving isn”t the same thing as living, so take that into consideration before giving up processed meats and switching to beans as the primary source of protein. Besides, in a year the WHO will probably announce that beans cause cancer anyway.
On a more serious note, I realize cancer is a serious issue and I may have blown this a bit out of proportion. But, people shouldn”t focus on the negatives – live life, don”t just exist.
Claire Whitley can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter @Cewhitley24