Online dating hasn”t changed the game – but it has changed the rules.
“Humans have been doing this since we began,” said Erin Chapman, a University of Idaho professor of child, family and consumer sciences. “It”s just the new tool. The new matchmaker for young people.”
Chapman said 30 years ago, dating someone was much more intentional. To talk to someone, people had to pick up the phone and call them or go to their house, and a couple was “official” when people saw them holding hands.
Now, she said the process is more
ambiguous.
“Dating? Hanging out? Hooking up? Just texting? What do those mean?” Chapman said.
For students looking for love on the other side of a screen, there are many avenues they can take, but some are more common than others.
Most students are familiar with Tinder, a dating application that gives users the option to swipe right on a person”s profile they like, or swipe left and take a pass.
Users who swipe right on each other are then given the option to chat.
OkCupid, another dating application, has thousands of “match” questions, covering a wide range topics from politics, to taste in movies, to sexual preferences. OkCupid”s algorithms generate a compatibility percentage for each user based on how they answer questions.
Grindr is an app geared toward gay men. Users select one photo, fill out a short bio and then see other users sorted by how nearby they are.
“Every generation has put their own spin on what dating looks like,” Chapman said. “In the “50s, it was going to a drive-in, and you had to go up to the door to get your date. In the “80s, we had personal ads in the newspapers. In the “90s, there was speed dating.”
Chapman said there will always people who decry the new generation”s methods for meeting people. Despite what some might say, Chapman said people have always sought out causal relationships somehow, and young people hook up as often as their parents and grandparents did.
Now that society is so immersed in technology, Chapman said dating in the digital world is here to stay.
‘I went through 500 to get to the good one’
Mimi Price, 21, said the match questions and the compatibility percentages are the best part about OkCupid. She said they give you a chance to “get to know” another user before ever having to talk to them.
“They”ll ask you questions like, “Do you like watching sports?” or “Do you like cats?” If you answer a lot of them you can get some really specific results,” Price said. “My boyfriend had a 98 percent match to my questions.”
Price said during the first month, women can expect to be bombarded with bad pickup lines and awkward sexual advances.
After a few weeks, Price said she learned how to work the process. She learned to ignore and block people who harassed her and figured out how to identify profiles that weren”t compatible with her own.
She said she also learned how to be more straightforward with people she thought she might be interested in.
When she first met her boyfriend, Price said she wasn”t that impressed.
“I thought, “This guy looks really flippin” weird. I don”t know if I want to talk to him,”” Price said.
But after they started talking, Price said she genuinely enjoyed his company and before long they were talking all day, every day.
Now they”ve been together two years, and Price said he moved back to Idaho with her so she could finish school. She said the pair plans to move back to California when she graduates.
“You do have to keep in mind that you eventually need to bring it off the website and into real life,” Price said. “I had some pretty bad experiences, but I went through 500 to get to the good one.”
‘I’m as optimistic as anyone else’
It can be hard being a man on a dating site simply because there are so few women, said Christopher Harlan, 19.
Harlan said he doesn”t let that discourage him.
“I”m as optimistic as anyone else,” Harlan said of his experience on OkCupid. “I probably have more of a chance meeting someone than if I weren”t really into online dating.”
Harlan said he created a Tinder account when he arrived at UI as a freshman and quickly learned it wasn”t really a dating app.
“The girls I talked to were all looking for something else,” he said.
While Harlan said he”s not against hookups, they”re not his style. He said he”s hoping to make a more genuine connection with someone.
He switched to OkCupid earlier this semester, and said he appreciates the more scientific approach to meeting people. He said his impression was that more people were there for the reason he was – to meet other down-to-earth people looking for authentic conversation.
On both Tinder and OkCupid, Harlan said women almost never send messages first. He said it”s one of the few old social conventions that are still noticeable in this new approach to dating. He doesn”t mind initiating conversations, though.
“It”s harder to meet people in real life,” Harlan said. “It”s definitely easier to go online and say “hello.””
‘It’s like a game’
When Alanna Dolsen, 23, wrote her first Tinder bio, it was simple: “If you can”t be “just” friends with someone unless they have a significant other, stay far away.”
Dolsen said romance should come long after a genuine connection, and that someone with dating constantly on their mind wasn”t the one for her.
“People act like they”re looking for “the one” to complete them when in reality, they just have to get to know a person as a friend,” Dolsen said. “Their perfect girl isn”t out there. She doesn”t exist.”
While Dolsen said she”s serious about meeting new people, that”s not the only reason she”s on Tinder.
“It”s kind of fun,” she said. “It”s like a game.”
Before she joined Tinder, Dolsen said she saw it as just a hookup app. She said there”s certainly still a stigma attached to the dating app.
Yet, since she downloaded it a month and a half ago following a breakup, Dolsen said she has realized Tinder is a place for a wide variety of people to come together to make connections with each other.
“Tinder isn”t something to look down upon,” Dolsen said. “It”s not all one group of super creepy guys. There”s a lot of people in the world trying to find something better.”
Dolsen said she still gets her share of boring or creepy messages, but she said she appreciates how selective you can be about who you talk to. In fact, she said she just started talking to someone whose company she so far enjoys.
“The first thing she asked wasn”t like, “Do you like to wear heels?” It was, “How are you?” and “What kind of art medium do you use?”” Dolsen said. “We”ve only exchanged a few messages, but so far, it”s all good feelings.”
‘It’s something you can’t replace with an app or a website’
After Emma Scott, 19, broke up with her boyfriend last summer, she thought she would reactivate her Tinder account and try looking for hookups.
It didn”t go as planned.
“I”m not even using it anymore,” Scott said. “It”s kind of pointless to have. I”d rather meet people in person.”
Scott said she thought she wanted casual sex, but once she started swiping, she said she lost her confidence. She said it”s much easier for people to misrepresent themselves online, and she was raised to be cautious of that type of thing.
She said messaging strangers was also off-putting, because they didn”t feel like real interactions.
“A lot of them were like, “Hey, what”s up?” or “Oh, I like your hair” or something right off the bat,” Scott said. “They weren”t genuine. They didn”t seem real.”
Scott said she only used the app for a couple weeks before she deactivated it.
“I”m going to stick to traditional dating. I wouldn”t go back,” she said. “I would definitely recommend traditional dating experiences, it”s real, and it”s something you can”t replace with an app or a website.”
Scott said she sees the value in apps like Tinder because they alleviate the awkwardness of having to approach someone in a coffee shop or at a party. But, she said she would rather feel a little awkward than be surprised.
“You”re not put off by an image that that person gives you at first, and then you meet up with them and say “Oh, it”s not how I expected,”” Scott said. “It”s nicer to just cut all that stuff out when you meet someone.”
‘It’s just a part of life now’
When Nathan Austin, 22, created his Grindr account two years ago, he had only been out a couple weeks.
“It was intimidating,” Austin said. “I hadn”t been exposed to any sort of gay community or culture growing up, my parents were very Christian, so I was nervous and excited to meet other gay men.”
Austin said that most gay men he knows have a Grindr account, and that they use it to find dates, find hookups, find someone to talk to or find someone to get drinks with.
The app gives both out and closeted gay men a good avenue to connect with each other when they might not be as free to meet in public as other people, Austin said.
“Maybe this is me not being gregarious or outgoing enough, but it”s hard to approach men at bars up here unless you already know them,” Austin said. “You can”t really flirt with other guys super openly “¦ Grindr makes it easier to actually find people who are gay.”
When he first created his account, Austin said the whole process was exciting. Now, he said, he”s gotten used to it.
“Everyone on there is an actual person,” Austin said. “I think it”s great that it exists, but it”s just a part of life now, and it feels like it”ll be there forever.”
Austin said while online dating isn”t necessarily for everyone, it”s certainly not something to write off and he said he thinks it”s here to stay.
“I would encourage people to try it,” Austin said. “Be careful and skeptical to a degree, find out if it”s something you enjoy or not, but it does depend on the person.”
Hannah Shirley can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter @itshannah7