Gemini 5/21-6/20
Congratulations, your life is perfect at the moment. Hug everyone you see so your luck rubs off on others.
Cancer 6/21-7/22
Make a large bet on a sporting event. You’ll probably lose, but at least you’ll have fun doing it. Note: I don’t take responsibilty for any irrational behavior.
Leo 7/23-8/22
Time to find that special someone. Make a profile on every dating website there is — Leos need all the help they can get.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
It’s starting to heat up, so you need to cool down. Go to the local swimming pool and take a dip — then go take a swim. You should never have a dip in while swimming.
Libra 9/23-10/22
Escape the summer heat by going to the gym, because you know, it’s always cool in the gym –maybe not temperature wise, but think how cool you’ll be with those swole muscles.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Feeling a bit lonely? Go to the pet store and buy a scorpion. Or maybe a chameleon so you could never see it, just like your friends.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Hang in there, a big paycheck is coming in the mail — just make sure you forward the money to a guy named Korbin McDonald. Luck will be on your side after you do.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Spend your summer inside out of the sun. It’s a scientific fact Capricorns burn easily in the sun. Do your best to ignore the peals of joyful laughter echoing off the water at the beach. You can have fun in your car avoiding the sunlight
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
It’s time to seek adventure, drop everything and go drop yourself out of a plane while skydiving. Don’t forget a parachute!
Pisces 2/19-3/20
The Pisces pie of the week is … apple! Wait no … cherry … or boysenberry? Maybe smores? How about you just go to Sharis and decide for yourself, why should I have to tell you?
Aries 3/21-4/19
Fun fact: Jackie Chan was an Aries. Time to take after your fellow Aries and sign up for some karate lessons.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
Trade in whatever car you might be driving for a Ford Taurus — get it?