Taurus 4/20-5/20
Embrace the force. Drink the beer.
Gemini 5/21-6/21
You’re graduating (or dropping out) and you can’t go home, but you can’t stay here. Figure it out. Like an adult.
Cancer 6/22-7/22
Tattooing a tiger on your face is a great idea and you should do it right now.
Leo 7/23-8/22
“Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars,” — Ron Swanson. Truer words have never been spoken.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
That meowing you hear isn’t your imagination.
Libra 9/23-10/22
You will get hit in the face with something unpleasant on Tuesday.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21 Avoid sharp objects. And sharks.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Tinder is your friend this week … until things get weird. Then stay far away from anything involving the color green.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
If you don’t remember anything, you probably had a good week. In the wise words of Ron Swanson, there is no wrong way to consume alcohol.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Climb a tree and you’ll probably get stuck. Fall out and you’ll probably die. It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Never half ass two things. Whole ass one thing. No one likes asses, especially ones from Boise State.
Aries 3/21-4/19
The answer to your problems is breakfast food. But mostly bacon. Especially bacon. Bacon is bae.