Aries 3/21-4/19
Pro-tip: Just because you have a basket full of chocolate Easter eggs doesn’t mean you should eat them all.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
Pants suck. Stop wearing them. You’re welcome.
Gemini 5/21-6/21
You might think you want a cat, but if you get one it’s a slippery slope and the life of a crazy cat person isn’t far off in your future. Meow.
Cancer 6/22-7/22
Pull a Britney and shave it off. Shave it all off. You know you want to.
Leo 7/23-8/22
Squeak squeaker, squeaks squeakin squeak squeakin. Squeaker.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
Ain’t no rust on the happiness bus. Until you get a flat tire. Then the bus will sit untouched for years, rotting and rusting and forgotten. Just like your soul.
Libra 9/23-10/22
If you think good things come to those who wait, you’re right. Except for jobs. Jobs don’t come to anyone, not even college graduates.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21 You can have as much sex as you want. But if you don’t use protection you will get pregnant. And die.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Stop trying to teach people how to Dougie. That’s so 2010.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Your car will be covered in Post-it notes by the time you read this. Whoops. Too late.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Step away from the spicy condiments. Your roommates will thank you.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Keep introducing yourself as Leslie Knope, city council candidate and deputy director of the parks department, and eventually you will find your Ben Wyatt.