Cure for post-Valentine’s Day relationship hangovers
Valentine’s Day came and went again.
The herds of bitterly single people can take their hands off their ears and return to social media without fear of inordinate displays of hearts, flowers, chocolate, sappy one-liners and public affection.
Cy Whitling
Unfortunately, this post-holiday slump can be a challenging time for others. For the already single people in the world, Valentine’s Day serves as a rude reminder of their relationship status. For the even less lucky, a disastrous holiday can lead to a return to the lonely life.
Every year, this seemingly soft, fluffy and generally pink holiday devours plenty of poor, unprepared souls.
Valentine’s Day can take a seemingly wonderful relationship and fry it in truffle oil, serve it with a nice garlic butter garnish, devour it with a classy glass of red wine and expel it as a shattered, nearly unrecognizable wreck of what it once was. Scoffers beware, all it takes is one capsized canoe or one rainy walk to throw a bulletproof relationship into an emotional tailspin resulting in what can only be called the “Recently Single Post-Valentine’s Day Relationship Hangover.”
Don’t worry, I’m here with the cure. As a recently single, possibly heartbroken individual, Moscow can seem like a barren and lonely place, but it’s time to ditch that negative attitude and start exploring this paradise.
Animal therapy is a great place to start. Sure, anyone could go to the animal shelter and pet some dogs or something, but let’s face it, recently single people need the release only wild animals can provide. Bunnies are pretty good for petting, and several live up by the Administration Building. Not only do wanderers get to pet something fuzzy, the challenge of luring them in will provide a distraction from a newly pathetic relationship issues.
Another option is squirrels. These are harder to capture, but sometimes they can be caught unaware. I’ve found a good technique is to leave some Cheetos in a planter far from any tree. Once the squirrel enters the planter to investigate, simply jump out of hiding and grab it.
There are few better ways to introduce yourself to eligible bachelors or bachelorettes than, “Hey, I just caught this squirrel with my bare hands, wanna pet it?”
Any of the ponds and streams around town offer animal alternatives as well. Beavers, muskrats and ducks are all very therapeutic creatures when caught, calmed and petted. Snakes, frogs and turtles are also available, but they are not quite so soothing to pet and don’t work as well as a pickup line. In fact, using a snake to introduce yourself may be perceived as harassment in some states.
DISCLAIMER: Make sure you are up to date on your rabies shots. Also, don’t blame me when your mom, friend, university official or basically any adult gets you in trouble for kidnapping local wildlife.
Regardless of the choice of therapy animal, Moscow offers the perfect setting to recover from a failed Valentine’s Day and ensuring the success of the Recently Single Post Valentine’s Day Relationship Hangover.
Cy Whitling can be reached at [email protected]