It isn’t just about the big game
We have once again entered the season of chicken wings, beer commercials, bandwagon fans and outlandish team-themed costumes. Make sure the couch is broken in, because the Super Bowl is here.
For those of us who don’t really follow football, this is always a challenging time of year. We have to pick a team to support and then latch onto them with a fervor usually reserved for issues of religion and federal fiscal policy.
Cy Whitling
Historically among my friends who don’t follow football, about 65 percent pick whichever team is locally popular. They feel this is a safe allegiance to have, as they will be surrounded by likeminded people to either celebrate or mourn with.
Another 30 percent of my friends pick whichever team is not popular among their friends. I can only predict this is due to some undiscovered genetic trait, which when it is found will probably be christened the “ornery gene.” These people love cheering against the rest of their community and will go to great lengths to provoke other fans.
The remaining 5 percent of people are still trying to figure out how to get their “smart” TVs to work, and are negligible for the purposes of this article.
As you navigate these treacherous waters, trying to choose a team to root for, consider this completely biased and creative, unscientific data.
According to the Internet, the active roster of the Seattle Seahawks weighs in at a grand total of 13,038 pounds, more than 6.5 tons. That’s roughly the combined weight of one bull bison, one polar bear, one moose, one large salt water crocodile, one medium hippo and one adolescent Rhino.
The active roster of the New England Patriots weighs in at 13,219 pounds. That’s basically the equivalent of all the animals listed above, plus three medium wolverines.
Some would argue the Super Bowl might be more interesting if we threw all of those animals in the arena or simply put on Planet Earth instead, but the real takeaway is that the Patriots weigh just a little more than the Seahawks.
In fact, if you look at the average weight of each player, the Patriots come in at 249.9 pounds each, while the Seahawks average only 246 pounds each. This would imply there is more room on the Seahawks bandwagon, but one only needs to check Facebook to see that is completely false.
On the viewer’s side, the Internet tells me 111.5 million people watched the Super Bowl last year. Since the average American weighs 196 pounds, that means about 22 billion pounds of partially digested Cheetos, wings, beer, fat, bone and muscle slapped their collective rear ends down on the couch to catch the game. The outcome of the big game aside, that statistic makes me pity the couches of America.
So pick a team, pick a couch, pick some snacks and beverages. This is America, there will be cute animals and cute children and beer and probably a crummy halftime show, maybe even a heartwarming story or two. There will probably be something offensive and something surprising and something frustrating, but through all of it just remember this spectacle comes only once a year. So be happy, the Super Bowl is here.
Cy Whitling can be reached at [email protected]