Tips to surviving your next horror movie
If you’re in a horror movie, the odds aren’t in your favor. If you want to avoid death, which I hope you do, here are some essential don’ts to help you avoid getting murdered.
Shane Wellner | Rawr
Don’t split up
Strength in numbers has never interested horror movie writers. Friends back you up and divide your attacker’s attention, leaving more opportunity for escape. Even if you’re stuck alone in a dark room, make some noise and move fast. Most victims tend to stay still, and just make their murderer’s job easier. This is no time for being considerate.
Don’t go somewhere without cellphone reception
This would avoid pretty much every horror related problem. If your battery is even one bar short, get out of there.
Don’t put all your faith in dumb cops
To protect and serve is their motto, but if you’ve ever tried to explain to police that you’re being attacked by a monster, you’ve pretty much painted the word “Dead” on your forehead.
Don’t assume the bad guy is dead
Horror movie bad guys have to die twice. It doesn’t matter if they get their heads chopped off or get thrown into a wood chipper, they have to die at least twice. Who cares if it’s not how life’s cycle works?
Don’t count on technology
Cell phones aren’t the only lifesavers that will fail you. Cars that won’t start, guns that won’t fire, the list goes on. Clearly, horror characters don’t count on Duracell.
Don’t insult the killer
Murder machines have a soul too. When someone insults them, they hear you, it ticks them off and they proceed to kill you. A sense of humor in a life-threatening situation is important, but when dealing with someone who has the power to end your life, have some respect.
Don’t miss
If you’ve got one shot to kill your foe and you miss, it’s game over. Unless your buddies are Olympic archers, you’re going to need something that doesn’t run out of bullets.
Don’t stand there dumbfounded as your friends die
When someone or something is killing your friends, don’t just stand there like a useless cow. There’s no excuse for that. Remember the kid from “Spider-Man” who just stood in the path of a falling stage and waited to die? We all thought that was unacceptable, so why would we do the same thing?
Bradley Burgess can be reached at [email protected]