Libra 9/23-10/22
Stop spending all your time looking for the perfect guy or girl. What you should really be looking for is the perfect pumpkin. October priorities are not to be taken lightly.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
If you see someone looking upset, offer to buy them lunch. This kind act will bring some much-needed positive karma your way.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
It might play in your favor to look sad in public this week. Some lunatic who wants to pay it forward is looking for you. So quit smiling and prepare to save yourself some money.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
You’ve been taking these horoscopes to heart lately. Keep it up. They’ll start being accurate soon … Maybe.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
There are a lot of people relying on you right now. If you want to avoid responsibility by hiding and binge eating Oreos, do it. The consequences are uncertain, but nonetheless delicious.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Remember back in in kindergarten when you were asked what you wanted to be when you grew up? You probably said doctor, astronaut or Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. If you’ve strayed from that path, it’s time to get back on. You wouldn’t want to disappoint your 5-year-old self, now would you?
Aries 3/21-4/19
Go to your fridge and check the “best by” date on your milk carton. Mark this date on your calendar. Actually, don’t. It’s better if you don’t see it coming …
Taurus 4/20-5/20
Ask yourself this important question: Would you or would you not open the door for someone wearing a Twilight T-shirt? Please consider your answer carefully and re-evaluate what it means to benefit society.
Gemini 5/21-6/21
The stars are aligning for you. This could mean one of two things: there is either great fortune coming your way, or you’ve fallen victim to an astrological coincidence. Keep your hopes high — but not too high.
Cancer 6/22-7/22
Don’t forget to laugh at yourself this week. Everyone else already is. Join the club.
Leo 7/23-8/22
Who was the last person you spoke to? Be prepared to save them from definite goat-related trauma this week.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
Your horoscope may seem fairly simple this week, but never underestimate the power of enticement. Please, under all circumstances, avoid goats.