It’s time for another non-conventional review, last time I covered my personified car, this time I am going to the other extreme and write about my belt.
My belt, unlike my car, does not have a name, not a name like Roxanne at least. The people who make my belt, Arcade Belts, call it “The Hemingway,” which is a fine name for a belt.
I rate my belts on four distinct characteristics. These, listed in no particular order are: style, comfort, ability to keep up pants and general adventure-worthiness.
Let’s start out with style. My female relatives will probably tell you that I have either no style or very bad style. Be that as it may, this belt is absolutely oozing with style. This belt is classy, no crazy colors, no shiny buckles, just simple, understated, timeless good looks. This is a belt that dresses for the job it wants, not the job it has. This is the kind of belt that is equally as comfortable in a VIP area as it is on a V4 bouldering problem. It goes with just about anything, and never draws unwanted attention to your waist.
I give the Hemingway four missed belt loops out of four for style.
Along with looking good, it is also important for a belt to feel good. The Hemingway’s manufacturers say it was designed with comfort as a priority — and you can feel it.
The Hemingway is made out of elastic that the manufactures claim makes all your pants feel like sweatpants. I don’t particularly like the feel of sweatpants, but the Hemingway does make my pants noticeably more comfortable.
The belt stretches with me when I try to do flexible things, and never tightens uncomfortably when I get myself into awkward situations. It features a flat plastic buckle that stays out of the way. I have tested the buckle in a number of situations that mostly involved me crashing hard on my bike or skis and I have never suffered from the bruises other belt buckles gave my belly.
Five out of five belly bruises for the Hemingway on the comfort scale.
Sometimes we forget that our belts are supposed to be doing something for us, we aren’t just paying them to sit around and look pretty. The most important attribute of any belt is its ability to keep up pants. The Hemingway does this admirably.
I have never suffered from premature pants loss while wearing the Hemingway. It keeps my pants comfortably centered around my waist, and never lets my pants ride up and eat my navel.
The Hemingway scores three out of three on the premature pants loss scale.
Finally, the true test of any equipment is how it performs outdoors. Overall the Hemingway dominates on the general outdoorsiness scale. It does not show dirt or wear, it is machine washable and its stretchy nature lends it to a plethora of unintended uses.
If you are looking for a belt that can be used as a slingshot, a tourniquet, a bungee jumping rope, a tie down strap and a giant rubber band to snap your roommates with, look no further. The Hemingway excels in all of these roles and more.
The only downside of the Hemingway is also related to its elastic construction. If you try to carry anything heavy on your belt (a walkie-talkie, a gun, small children) the belt stretches and sags and leaves you with a radio, weapon or child bouncing and smacking your thigh with every step. This is
a tradeoff I will readily take since the percentage of time I spend carrying one of those things is small.
The Hemingway scores four out of five bruised roommates for general outdoorsiness.
All in all the Arcade Hemingway is a rather incredible belt. This is the only belt I know that can keep up with me on the ski slopes and the dance floor. It is truly a belt that deserves a review.
Cy Whitling can be reached at [email protected]