Roxanne by Cy Whitling
This is a review of my car. I know you are probably used to reading reviews of books, movies, even music. I am here to give you something totally different. I think my car deserves to be reviewed. She has just as much character and story as any movie.
My car’s name is Roxanne. She is a 2001 Subaru Outback, green, with ski racks and a lot of stickers. Extensive research has determined that most important attributes of a car are: reliability, utility, ability to defeat rugged terrain and image, so those are what we will cover in this review.
Let’s start with reliability, as this also ties into how Roxanne got her name. Roxanne only has 133,000 miles on her. This June I drove her 10 hours to Red Lodge, Montana to cover the Beartooth Summer Session. Up until this point Roxanne had been relatively reliable. She performed well on the way to Red Lodge, coping adequately with Montana’s high speed limits and her cargo of smelly ski bums.
Three hours into the drive home, disaster struck and Roxanne earned her name.
The setting: a small hill just east of Bozeman Montana. The soundtrack: Roxanne by The Police. The players: myself, another skier, an artist and a good Samaritan who only identified himself as “Fresh.”
As we crested the hill, traveling at about 95mph The Police wailed at Roxanne not to “turn on that red light.” As fate would have it my Roxanne chose to turn on her red light at that very moment — the “check engine” light, to be exact. A series of loud, grating noises later and we were stranded with a blown engine. It is hard for three guys who haven’t showered in four days to get help on the side of the road but the series of miracles that got us home that day deserves its own story.
Roxanne used to score high on the reliability scale. Now, I am not so sure. A friend and I put a new engine in her and I don’t know how much I trust my own work. For now Roxanne scores one broken piston out of four for reliability.
On to Utility. Roxanne was purchased primarily for her utility. With her seats folded down she makes a great camper. She sleeps one ski bum very comfortably and stays warm, even in the dead of winter. Her capacity can be stretched to two but I would only recommend that if you are really good friends with the other guy and if the Wal-mart parking lot you are sleeping in turns out to be way sketchier than you thought.
Roxanne has hauled countless feet of lumber on her rack and a plethora of other construction materials in her cavernous posterior. Roxanne scores five air fresheners out of five for utility.
As a long time pickup truck driver, an important aspect of any vehicle I purchase is Ability to Defeat Rugged Terrain. Roxanne is all-wheel drive, she has decent ground clearance and she doesn’t balk at mud.
I have only ever gotten Roxanne stuck once and that was purely driver error. You can’t really expect any car to pull itself out of a snow bank that reaches higher than the windows. Roxanne scores four out of four bald tires for Ability to Defeat Rugged Terrain.
Finally we reach our last and most important attribute, Image. Some people buy cars based simply on Image. I personally think most of those people are lame but that is irrelevant.
In Moscow I sometimes struggle with the image my Subaru gives me. I feel like I should have a “Coexist” sticker and eat more organic food.
Is it OK to be a conservative, pro-gun, pro-logging male and drive a Subaru Outback? Is it ok to drive a Subaru and shop at Walmart? Can I drive a Subaru to go deer hunting with my brother? These are the questions that strain my relationship with, Roxanne.
In a liberal town like Moscow I sometimes feel like I am betraying the stereotype my car gives me, but put me anywhere skiers, climbers or bikers gather and I feel right at home. In a parking lot full of muddy, stickered up Subarus packed full of smelly people who love the mountains Roxanne fits right in. Four out of five liberal bumper stickers for image.
Now that we have completed this scientific review process it should be clear that Roxanne is a worthy and valiant vehicle. What she lacks in reliability and image she makes up for in utility and character. Hopefully I have made an honest woman out of her and she never needs to turn on that red light again.
Cy Whitling can be reached at [email protected]