Recently I went “not-camping.” For the uninitiated, “not-camping” is a form of outdoor lodging common in the continental United States. “Not-Camping” happens when modern Americans decide we want to go experience nature. 
We pile into our air conditioned SUV’s, drive a few hours out into “nature,” pay an exorbitant fee and then proceed to spend the rest of the weekend trying to make that “nature” as much like our living rooms at home as we can. Now I appreciate “not-camping.” I love loading the car with food and spending my weekend non-stop eating around a fire.
My beef is with people that want to make this “not-camping” experience into something it isn’t. Don’t act like Lewis and Clark when all you did was hitch up the RV. Don’t try to channel your inner Ralph Waldo Emerson at some over-developed campsite.
“Not-camping” is great but don’t kid yourself, you’re no Davy Crockett. With that said, here is a handy list to check your outdoor experience against.
It’s “not-camping” if:
- Your #campvibes pictures are taking forever to load because you don’t have 4G out here
- You’re eating cold beans because your portable oven fried your car battery
- You’re mad because the bathroom ran out of toilet paper
- The firewood is way overpriced
- The kids in the campsite next to you are playing too loudly
- You are having trouble backing your RV into that tiny spot
- You wish they had leveled the campsite better
- The beach is closed because of broken glass
- Your phone is running out of battery and the charger is way over there in the car
- Your kids want to watch TV but you only have DVDs
- You are checking Facebook
- You are more worried about the neighbor’s dog than bears
- You are lulled to sleep by the rumble of passing cars
- The campsite is roughly as expensive as a seedy hotel
- The gates close at night
- The slow internet is killing your snapchat game
- Your morning is ruined because the shower is cold
- The campsite smells like cigarette butts and exhaust
- Your generator breaks down in the night
- It takes you forever to get there because your trailer has roughly the square footage of a nice apartment.
- You are checking your team’s score at any point on the trip
- You are reading this newspaper instead of starting a fire with it
So there you have it — a bitter, burning tirade condemning your favorite weekend activity. Hopefully you leave this article inspired like me to go explore the beautiful wilderness all around us. Or we could just go buy a bunch of food and go “not camping.” Yeah, that sounds easier.
Cy Whitling can be reached at [email protected]