If Jessy Forsmo-Shadid and her siblings hadn’t been adopted, they would have certainly be ripped apart by the foster care system in 2002, and considering she had faced so much adversity up until that point, it really didn’t seem out of the question, she said.
Jessy Forsmo-Shadid | Courtesy
Jessy Forsmo-Shadid (far right) poses for a family photo with her family on Christmas 2013. Jessy was adopted by Christina Shadid (far left) and Michelle Forsmo (right of Shadid) on March 21, 2003.
Forsmo-Shadid, a first-year University of Idaho English student, was taken away from her birth mother when she was 4 years old, and though her mom promised to come back for her, that promise remains unfulfilled.
She lived with three foster families she described as “horrific.” The fourth family she and her siblings stayed with were short-term foster care parents — a temporary haven that couldn’t match the long-term security that adoption assured. Ever present was the uncertainty that tomorrow didn’t guarantee the same bed to sleep in.
“You feel like you go into a home, get comfortable and then someone tosses you out,” Forsmo-Shadid said.
When she was 7 years old, Forsmo-Shadid celebrated her first Christmas in San Diego with her foster family at the time and younger biological siblings Jayden and Janelle. The yuletides brought rain, celebration with a healthy family atmosphere and the first hint of long-term adoption for her and her siblings.
“Do you care if you have two mothers, two fathers, one parent or anything?” Forsmo-Shadid recalled her foster mother asking.
“I was tired of the foster care system, and I didn’t care either way, as long as they took care of me,” Forsmo-Shadid said.
On March 21, 2003, Forsmo-Shadid sat with her face pressed on the window of her room at the foster home, anxiously waiting for some sign of the family that was to officially adopt her. Eventually, a white minivan parked outside her San Diego home, and two people stepped out of the vehicle to bring her and her siblings to their home in Kuna, Idaho.
Exiting the driver’s seat was a woman with long, wavy red hair and a bright white shirt. Her name was Michelle Forsmo, but she would eventually be known as “Mama” to Jessy and her siblings.
“Mama is very independent, she’s so spunky,” Forsmo-Shadid said. “She knows what she wants, when she wants it, and she won’t let anyone get in her way. I definitely have some of that from her.”
From the passenger seat emerged a woman outfitted in jean overalls with a yellow shirt underneath and glasses that sat under curly dark hair. She was Christina Shadid for now, but later she would be Mama Nina.
“Mama Nina is half-Syrian, and gets really nervous around people — sometimes to the point where she’ll talk a lot and shake her leg,” Forsmo-Shadid said. “I definitely get that from her.”
Forsmo and Shadid became friends while working at a Jack in the Box in Arizona. Forsmo-Shadid said they bonded there because local men would frequently harass the pair.
“They’re super independent women, and said the same thing right back to them,” Forsmo-Shadid said. “They were playing around, but I don’t know if the guys were.”
Forsmo moved to Kuna and Shadid followed. As of April 4, they’ve been together 24 years.
Forsmo-Shadid said she liked the rural environment in Kuna better than the San Diego cityscape and she felt safe there. Even so, Kuna is more conservative and lacks diversity, Forsmo-Shadid said, and this led to racial hardship during at school.
“People would ask, ‘Do they glue that hair ontop of your head like a wig?’ I would say, ‘Dude I’m black, I don’t know why my hair isn’t straight,'” Forsmo-Shadid said.
From elementary school to high school, Forsmo-Shadid said her peers would harass her and assign labels such as “the black girl with big boobs,” and “California girl.” Many students also teased her and predicted she was going to be a lesbian, based on her parents’ relationship.
“I thought I was fine during it, but I realized my senior year that I hated everyone and everything and I didn’t want to be there anymore,” Forsmo-Shadid said. “I was belittled, I did so many things during high school and no one would ever notice — no one ever cared.”
Forsmo-Shadid competed in the state level Poetry Out Loud competition all four years of high school, scoring third place for two of the years. She was featured on the Outdoor Idaho television show for a writer’s camp she attended, and wrote award-winning poetry and articles published as a high school student. She even worked as an advocate, raising awareness for gender orientation discrimination at her school. Still, the lack of recognition detracted from her chances of a positive schooling experience.
“I tried not to talk to my parents about it, I didn’t want to burden them,” Forsmo-Shadid said. “I told them a little bit here and there, but not the full extent of how I felt.”
At home, Forsmo does most of the cooking and home upkeep, but the two do switch off or work together occasionally. Shadid pays the bills, formerly working at Direct TV for 12 years, but recently taking a position as a sales representative at Lowes.
Forsmo-Shadid said Forsmo is the disciplinarian in the household, and while Jessy admits Forsmo “can be scary as hell when she’s mad,” both her parents vowed never to hit Jessy and her siblings. She said this is because they understand she was abused by the majority of her foster parents, and because Shadid was the victim of abuse as well. Shadid was slapped across the face the first time she came out to her parents, Forsmo-Shadid said.
“The second time she did, her parents said it was just a phase,” Forsmo-Shadid said. “24 years later, it’s not just a phase.”
Idaho does not recognize same-sex marriage, but Forsmo-Shadid said her parents consider themselves married, and they have wedding rings to show for it.
In 2007, the family won an all-expenses paid trip on a cruise ship that made stops in Puerto Rico, and various islands in the Bahamas. It was onboard this vessel in the tropical Caribbean Sea that Forsmo and Shadid were able to experience what they considered to be an official marriage ceremony.
Still, the reality remains that this marriage was only symbolic. If either parent is in the hospital, the other has no immediate visitation rights, as they are not legally married. Forsmo-Shadid’s younger brother was adopted in Idaho, meaning only Forsmo was able to sign the adoption papers. If anything were to happen to Forsmo, her little brother could be taken away by the state. Also, the state cannot offer any supplemental aid that would be offered to widows from marriages recognized by Idaho.
“I don’t think the attitude will change towards the laws changing, but it does change the fact that my family would be safe if something were to ever happen to my parents, God forbid,” Forsmo-Shadid said.
In the meantime, Forsmo-Shadid maintains constant communication with her parents, calling them twice a day. She said her parents are thinking of going to Washington and getting married sometime in the near future.
“I don’t feel inadequate without a father,” Forsmo-Shadid said. “I know that I’m loved I know I’m taken care of and I’ve been taught the values of caring and loving. I mean, you wouldn’t honestly know I had two moms unless I told you.”
George Wood Jr. can be reached at [email protected]