Libra 9/23 – 10/22
Take a wacky picture this week and put it on Facebook. After all, the worst thing that can happen is that you become the next hot Internet meme.
Scorpio 10/23 ± 11/21
Remember, a Trojan horse was a great gift from the Greeks and will class up your computer screen.
Sagittarius 11/22 ± 12/21
Today is a great time to get a new pet to keep you company. And in accordance with university guidelines, enjoy your new pet rock in your dorm room.
Capricorn 12/22 ± 1/19
You will worry this week about the increasing cost of student loans and tuition. On the plus side, when you graduate you can apply for the Guinness World Record for most debt for one person.
Aquarius 1/20 ± 2/18
They say that staying up all night never hurt anyone. But don’t tempt fate this week or you will risk a severe case of zombieism.
Pisces 2/19 ± 3/20
Be wary of fortune cookies. They are a choking hazard and much less reliable than horoscopes.
Aries 3/21 ± 4/19
Is your dog your best friend? You shall find out today.
Taurus 4/20 ± 5/20
You will be tempted to abuse your power to force people to stop overusing popular sayings even when making fun of them. Resist, even though the dark side has cookies.
Gemini 5/21 ± 6/21
Avoid anything related to Ryan Reynolds this week if you want to live.
Cancer 6/22 ± 7/22
They say newspapers are a dying industry. So you should hold onto these horoscopes in the hopes that one day they will be worth millions.
Leo 7/23 ± 8/22
You may have the eyes of the tiger but this week you will find a fight not so thrilling.
Virgo 8/23 ± 9/22
Take Macklemore’s advice and visit a thrift shop. With all the money you save, you may actually be able to afford your textbooks next semester.