Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18
A new semester brings old annoyances, such as pilfered parking spaces. A pro-tip for vengeful pedestrians: freshly snapped windshield wipers make a decent walking stick.
Pisces
2/19 – 3/20
The best laid plans of rice and men never led to that romantic dinner last weekend. Try a different restaurant next time, or actually doing something with rice and men.
Aries
3/21 – 4/19
If you never want to get jumped by three clowns in an alley, stay off the trampoline in the alley behind the U.S. Capitol building.
Taurus
4/20 – 5/20
If they mess with the bull, they’ll get the tail this time. Say it aloud to bolster your resolve.
Gemini
5/21 – 6/20
Sticks and stones wouldn’t break anything if everything was made of diamonds, but then there’d be no reason for marriage. Remember to count your blessings.
Cancer
6/21 – 7/22
An old T-shirt will be the smartest choice because you will be able to wash it later. Fabric softener isn’t expensive, and it makes cotton just as soft as that brand you ran out of.
Leo
7/23 – 8/22
A unique turn of phrase is like a kitten on fire running around the living room: it won’t please everyone, but someone on the Internet will think it’s funny.
Virgo
8/23 – 9/22
Understand that it takes two to tango. What you’re thinking of is more like a polka, and not everyone is into sweating and lederhosen.
Libra
9/23 – 10/22
Destiny is a funny thing. Sometimes you think you’re bound for something good — this week you’re just bound. It will only get worse if you struggle.
Scorpio
10/23 – 11/21
Do not pet them. Certainly don’t do it twice.
Sagittarius
11/22 – -12/21
It’s time to settle down, but keep the adventure in mind. The cookie jar is only as out of reach as your personal stipulations about grabby-arm toys.
Capricorn
12/22 – -1/19
Not everyone is cut out to be the magnifying glass. If you have to be the ant, make sure you are the queen so you can pump out some soldier ants to ruin that brat’s picnic.