Virgo 8/23 – 9/22
There are too many freshmen, too much homework, not enough sleep. You deserve a lollipop.
Libra
9/23 – 10/22
New nickname: Master of Homework. Congratulations on your current academic achievements.
Scorpio
10/23 – 11/21
Woah, Nellie. Cool it on the body spray. Just because you sweat bullets while walking campus in 80 degree weather does not mean you should cover it up with potent perfume.
Sagittarius
11/22 – 12/21
Forgot the number of margaritas you had last two-for-one Wednesday? Might want to tally ‘em up next time so you don’t find yourself face-planted in your roommate’s trash bin again.
Capricorn
12/22 – 1/19
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. Your professor had homework once too … or so we think.
Aquarius
1/20 – 2/18
Although you may be convinced an elephant lives above you, be mindful of the noise you make at 3 a.m. when playing Dance Dance Revolution. Nobody likes a hypocrite.
Pisces
2/19 – 3/20
Hey, love bird. Don’t give up quite yet. Your everyday efforts to open the door for your crush have not gone unnoticed by their significant other.
Aries
3/21 – 4/19
Explore your inner chef this week when your paycheck doesn’t show up. Leftover Top Ramen, whipped cream and pickles, maybe.
Taurus
4/20 – 5/20
You may want to pack a sweatshirt this week. Cool weather? Nah. Bird poop plop on your head? It’s possible.
Gemini
5/21 – 6/20
That thing you’ve been putting off? Get there early. There will be a line.
Cancer
6/21 – 7/22
Your chocolate cravings are out of hand. Better make a trek to WinCo for strawberries, marshmallows and chocolate chips.
Leo
7/23 – 8/22
You may think you won’t forget that interview you’ve been waiting for all month, but if you don’t pencil it into your planner at 7 a.m., you may just show up at 7 p.m. instead.