Leo 7/23 – 8/22
Ain’t no river wide enough, ain’t no valley low enough, ain’t no mountain high enough to keep you from breaking the law this week.
Virgo
8/23 – 9/22
If Will and that guy Romney picked can run for election, then so can you. Stay classy Moscow.
Libra
9/23 – 10/22
Bane escaped the pit. Will you?
Scorpio
10/23 – 11/21
Yes, we landed on Mars this month. No, your tin foil hat will not protect you when 2012’s Christopher Columbus upsets the Martians.
Sagittarius
11/22 – 12/21
Ride that mechanical bull like you stole it. Follow that up with a visit to the Butt Sketch Artist to remember your bruised backside forever.
Capricorn
12/22 – 1/19
Speak British this week. It’s a great icebreaker and people only think you’re crazy after you reveal that you’re not actually from the island.
Aquarius
1/20 – 2/18
It’s a very happy un-birthday to you!
Pisces
2/19 – 3/20
It’s probably best for your health if you eat at Mongolian BBQ every day this month. Their fortune cookies could save your life.
Aries
3/21 – 4/19
Undo your latest mistakes by living life in reverse for the next two hours. The past won’t change, but everyone around you will be delightfully entertained for the foreseeable future.
Taurus
4/20 – 5/20
Make like a duck and waddle. Waddle, waddle. Got any grapes?
Gemini
5/21 – 6/20
Just keep swimming … eventually you’ll find Wallaby Way. Don’t worry, Darla’s all grown up now.
Cancer
6/21 – 7/22
Be a goat in a herd of sheep.