Taurus 4/20 – 5/20
That stuff you ate had a rocky relationship with another organism. Prepare yourself.
Gemini
5/21 – 6/21
The stars may not be aligned for you today, but if you get home fast enough you can still save your carpet.
Cancer
6/22 – 7/22
Other people won’t always mix with your sense of calm. Remember to breathe, and don’t question whether the nearest object was made to be used that way.
Leo
7/23 – 8/22
It rains on the righteous and the unrighteous, but the righteous remember an umbrella.
Virgo
8/23 – 9/22
That “tiny problem” that’s bothered you won’t go away if you ignore it. If you don’t address it today it will get worse, and The Dollar Store doesn’t sell high-end solutions.
Libra
9/23 – 10/22
A cell phone is like an expensivcandy bar — it isn’t meant to stay inside your pocket forever. Things will get messy if you don’t take it out and use it when you need to.
Scorpio
10/23 – 11/21
It isn’t cute and it will cost you more than you think. Computer background images are free and you can put them in the trash or recycle bin without fear of ridicule or litigation.
Sagittarius
11/22 – 12/21
People will tell you it’s childish to run amuck. Nobody ever said anything about walking one. Do what you need to do, discreetly.
Capricorn
12/22 – 1/19
It’s less painful to rip the Band-Aid off quickly, but some folks need the reminder. Take your time with this one.
Aquarius
1/20 – 2/18
Today, “inconceivable” means exactly what you think it means.
Pisces
2/19 – 3/20
Medication isn’t always the answer. Stay away from the Internet for a while and see how you feel.
Aries 3/21 – 4/19
Things will poetically converge. Your day might be terrible, but you’ll bring laughter to someone else.