We are relatively reflective people. Every day most people reflect on what kind of clothing to wear, food to eat, or new status for Facebook. But have you asked yourself lately what kind of friends you have — what kind of friend you are?
That’s what Aristotle asked more than 2,000 years ago. Aristotle splits friendship into three distinct styles.
The first is friendship of utility. You may be familiar with this kind from the song, “F**k You” by Cee Lo Green. The lyrics describe a man who is pursued only according to what he could give — namely money, a car and clothing. This relationship is based on what you get, not what you give. Are you in one of these?
The second type, friendship of pleasure, is found in the degrading song “Toot It and Boot It,” in which the boy (hardly a man) seeks a girl solely for sex because after he “toots it” he “boots it” for the next girl. Aristotle explains this as the most common friendship among teens and college-age people because their minds are mostly set on seeking pleasure. Friendship of pleasure lasts longer than those of utility. It is based mainly on fun in the relationship and get difficult toward the end. Are you in one of these?
Aristotle builds up to the third friendship, which is based on virtue. The goal of this relationship is neither pleasure nor gifts for self, rather the highest good for the other. The best example is a parent-child relationship as it is not based on pleasure nor are parents receiving any pay from their child. Instead, the parent is ideally raising their child by looking out for his or her best interest. This can and should occur in a healthy intimate relationship. Is this you?
Aristotle calls friendships of pleasure and utility immature because they cannot help us reach our potential as human beings. Only when we enter into a friendship of virtue can we learn what it means to be “Homo sapiens,” or one who relies on intellect beyond instincts and feelings — striving even when things turn difficult.
I am the president of a club at the University of Idaho called Sexual Revolution, which works to explore the kinds of relationships (pleasure, utility, virtuous) we engage in and strive for the friendship of virtue. Note that I didn’t ask about mutual consent in a sexual relationship because what we really need to ask is, “Is there mutual respect?”
Casey Dail can be reached at [email protected]