Aries
3/21 – 4/19
Trouble could leap at you any moment–invest in some protection. Lighters and hairspray are cheap and useful, and squirrel fur is highly flammable.
Taurus
4/20 – 5/20
If an opportunity for charity comes knocking, answer the door. Invite it into your home, feed it a warm meal and let it stay the night, but keep a firearm handy.
Gemini
5/21 – 6/21
It’s hard to keep going, but you may be surprised at the results if you persevere. If the results aren’t good enough, pick another flower and start over.
Cancer
6/22 – 7/22
In matters of the heart, it’s important to keep a level head. Consider your options and make the best choice for each of you. Overuse of “lol” may muddy the waters.
Leo
7/23 – 8/22
Pay attention to the details. Things that seemed irrelevant earlier may hold the answers to your problem. There’s a reason the law requires employees to wash their hands.
Virgo
8/23 – 9/22
It’s OK to leap before you think. If you get out of your own way, you’ll discover new horizons. Penicillin has made dreams possible since 1928.
Libra
9/23 – 10/22
Run away. Quickly.
Scorpio
10/23 – 11/21
There is no gain without a little sacrifice. Facebook will be there when you’re done.
Sagittarius
11/22 – 12/21
We aren’t meant to live in the status quo. Your soul mate might work for the collection agency that calls about your credit balance.
Capricorn
12/22 – 1/19
Commit to your purpose. Don’t waver under pressure. Guinness doesn’t have a record for everything, and some of the best ideas come from intoxicated people.
Aquarius
1/20 – 2/18
Loneliness can be complicated. Your closest friends will always be there for you. If you get confused, just start the season over from the disc menu.
Pisces
2/19 – 3/20
There is nothing wrong with you or your circumstances. Watch for the bag of money to randomly turn up at your front door.